Disconnected Feelings with Aphantasia

Feelings are really tough. I definitely have emotions, but I don’t seem to understand them. Or at least I don’t know how to communicate them or manage them.

I see this as a common “issue” with Aphantasia. We seem to be “disconnected” from our feelings a lot. Feelings seem to work a lot like external senses to us. We certainly have experiences, and we may even process or store the facts associated with those experiences. But many of us can’t relive the actual feelings, much like we can’t recall images.

On the other hand, I am very much full of emotion! I may sure some traits with Alexithymia, but they are only superficial. I am very much not emotionally blind. Maybe Asperger’s is closer to how I am emotionally. But those who know me tell me I don’t fit that profile. And I can admit that too – there are many shared traits, but that is probably really all they are.

This is one of the reasons why I identify so fully with Aphantasia. I of course fit the precise definition of not being able to picture any image in my mind. Nor replay / relive any other sense. But I find that many other shared traits “fit” too! And not being well “connected” to my feelings is definitely a big one! I can “feel” very deeply, but I don’t “know” my feelings.

This is another area where I am trying to grow in my life. I previously “learned” that trying to share my real “self” alienated those “close” to me. I never liked that “lesson”, but it seemed to keep happening. But all that did was make it even harder to undertand, communicate, and manage my feelings. Now I want to grow and share my authentic “self” – and it is hard!

I’ll leave it at this for now. I am very much a work a progress. I am very successful professionally. But I am very broken as a person. But I guess we all are?


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