Anxiety is something I have a lot of at various times. That probably would surprise most that know me because I do a great job of hiding it. How? I tend to do what I’m good at and avoid what I’m not good at! So I appear confident instead of full of anxiety.
I love my new job, and I’m great at most of it. But some things are of course new to me, and some of those are complicated. So far I have risen to each challenge as it comes, yet each time there is a lot of anxiety first. Am I good enough? Am I taking too long?
It seems like my anxieties are growing though. They seem to happen in more settings, and more frequently. And they seem to run deeper, and be more troubling. Am I just allowing myself to be in more diverse circumstances? Or is it something else?
Yet another great Audiobook and I find myself both inspired and confused. This one was “Walden on Wheels” by Ken Ilgunas – both entertaining and really good.
It focuses on Ken’s attempt to become and remain debt-free, including living in a van in grad school. But its far more than that – he also works in Alaska to get ahead.
It is inspiring because it is about living differently than mainstream society. But unlike “Eat, Pray, Love”, which was financed by a book-deal, this one is very raw.
I long to life simpler and differently, and I’m already debt-free, so it should be easy. Yet it’s also very confusing, because I clearly don’t want to live this extreme.
So how do I determine the balanced changes that I very much seek? I still believe I am in the right spot and job today – but more and more I wonder for how much longer.
I want to enjoy challenging work and experience new adventures both. And I want to be a part of making a difference somehow for others too – not being just about me.
I’ve been on my new job now for 4 weeks – and all is great! My co-workers continue to be really good – not just nice. I get to eat lunch with them many days, and chat some every day. And they are always helpful in every way. My managers are also always really good – again not just nice. Things are well thought out and my work is well reviewed. That means both good critiques to learn more, as well as recognition of it being good. I even have one thing in production already, and 2 more things getting very close. This is a great job!
It also makes me realize how much I need something more! I seem to not know how to be content – even though I also do not know how to handle stress! I hope it is as simple as more experiences. Small ones more often, whether it be restaurants, game nights, weekend get-aways, or other similar things. And also planning the bigger ones that are less common, like bigger trips to places farther away. In other words – I really do not want to think of different jobs anytime soon! Maybe someday, with partial retirement – but not anytime soon.
Living mostly in the “Now” due to Aphantasia really is usually a good thing. But I also like to have new experiences since I don’t “relive” past ones. For me that has started becoming a couple of trips a year, one or two usually “big” trips. And dinner at a nice restaurant, often actually one of the best in the world. Planning those adventures is one of the ways I “escape” the “Now” when it gets “routine”.
Now that I have a peaceful job, with little stress, the “Now” is getting very “routine”. That is something I wanted, and it is a good thing – and I have no regrets! But it also means I am realizing that I have a bigger need to “escape” this pleasant “routine”. So I think it is time to choose and start planning some more adventures! So being “stuck” in the “Now” means I actively need something to look forward to.